Love or Something Like It Read online

  I paused for a beat before I responded. I wanted Gaga to think I’d at least considered her idea. “No, thanks,” I said.

  “I know you think knitting is for old ladies,” said Gaga. “But it’s had a rebirth. Knitting is retro.” I didn’t reply. I guess Gaga interpreted my silence as stupidity. “April, do you know what retro means?”

  I couldn’t wait to leave.

  9:02 p.m.

  After age twelve, are birthdays always problematic?

  I keep thinking about my birthday. Last year, all I wanted was a skating party. I wanted to be with all my friends, having fun. Brynn was even helping me plan it before Mom and Dad intervened and decided to throw the disastrous party they did for May and June and me.

  This year, all I want is to do something with Matt on my birthday.

  But I can’t tell him that. Or anyone else for that matter. What am I supposed to do? Tell my family I don’t care about celebrating my birthday with them? And what about Brynn? She’s always been the one to help me plan my party. But she hasn’t said anything about it this year. Not that I’m really expecting her to. I know we’re getting a little old for the whole party planning routine. And even if she did, what would I say back? Hey Brynn, the person I really want to spend my birthday with is Matt Parker. I obviously can’t say that.

  Here’s the thing. I do want to spend my birthday with Matt, but I don’t want to have to tell him that’s what I want. I just want him to instinctively get how much I would love it if that’s what happened.

  I mean … really … is that too much to ask?

  Wednesday, April 9, 1:43 p.m.

  Study hall

  OK, Brynn brought up my birthday and what she said kind of surprised me. She just passed me a note that said: Someone has a birthday coming up! Saturday at my house? We’ll plan an awesome party!

  I hadn’t expected her to plan anything, but after I read the note I smiled at her and nodded. She smiled back and gave me a thumbs up like she totally had this one. I don’t know what she has in mind, but the truth is that it felt good that Brynn still cares about my birthday, especially after everything we’ve been through this year.

  Plus, Matt Parker hasn’t said a word.

  9:52 p.m.

  I hadn’t seen or heard from Matt all week, unless you count the time Monday night when I was outside in front of my house trying to teach June how to rollerblade and Matt waved from the car as he and his mom drove out of their driveway. So just now I decided to text him.

  Me: What’s up?

  Matt: Going to bed.

  Matt: Tournament tomorrow.

  Me: Good luck.

  Matt: Thanks.

  Well, I guess appreciation counts for something. Though frankly, not much.

  Friday, April 11, 6:54 p.m.

  Home from dance

  Today at dance, Ms. Baumann reminded us that Regionals are May 3 and that it’s super important because it’s the qualifying competition for States. “Enjoy your weekend,” she said. “Next week we’re switching into high gear.”

  I was glad Ms. Baumann wasn’t making us practice this weekend because I’m going to Brynn’s on Saturday. I’ve been thinking it would be really cool to get her to help me plan a dance party. Matt hasn’t said anything about my birthday, but if there’s a party, he’d come. Plus, it would give me a reason to call him (which I kind of need) because he hasn’t called me all week.

  Two words: problem solved.

  Saturday, April 12, 4:16 p.m.

  Back from Brynn’s

  Planning didn’t go like I’d planned.

  When I brought up the idea of a dance party, Brynn completely shot it down. “I was thinking of something more low-key. Just girls. Like a sleepover or something.”

  I took a breath and tried to keep my voice casual. “I was kind of was thinking more along the lines of a boy-girl party, you know?”

  Brynn pursed her lips and looked down. “Oh. OK. I was just trying to think of something special,” she said.

  I knew I’d hurt her feelings. I felt like I owed her an explanation.

  “I’d kind of like Matt to be part of the plan,” I said. I concentrated on tucking a piece of stray hair behind my ear. “He knows my birthday is coming up, and he hasn’t said anything.” I could feel my face reddening as I admitted it.

  “Oh, April,” said Brynn. “Matt won’t forget your birthday. I’m sure of it,” she said, like she wanted me to be sure too. Then she reached over and gave me a big hug.

  But she didn’t say she’d plan a dance party.

  7:43 p.m.

  I just called Sophie and told her about my birthday dilemma. I know I’m being ridiculous. It’s not even that I care so much about celebrating it. But I can’t help that I want Matt to be part of it. I don’t know why I bothered sharing any of this with Sophie. I should have anticipated her response. “Call Matt and tell him you want to celebrate your birthday with him,” she said. “The worst he can say is no.”

  But in my opinion, that would be pretty bad.

  10:48 p.m.

  I was giving Matt until 10:45 to call before I call him. Now I feel like it’s too late to call!

  Sunday, April 13, 7:45 p.m.

  When I woke up this morning, I decided not to call Matt. Asking him if he wants to celebrate my birthday with me just seemed like the kind of conversation you should have in person. So I walked Gilligan twice today, and the second time I did, I saw Matt. He was outside in his front yard, throwing a Frisbee to Matilda. When I saw him, my stomach felt like it was falling out of my body. Matt was shirtless and cuter than ever.

  When he saw me, he waved in a super friendly way. “What’s up, California?” he said, like it hadn’t been a week since I’d last seen him (with the exception of the car wave).

  Looking at him made me hesitate before I responded. I didn’t want to lead with either the do-you-want-to-celebrate-my-birthday-with-me question or the I-don’t-like-that-we-go-days-without-talking-or-texting conversation. I feel like relationships should be more than a once-a-week sort of thing. But still, I didn’t want to seem annoying. “Not much,” I said lamely.

  Matt ran a hand along his abs like he was checking them out. I’m not sure if he was even aware that he was doing it, but it was hard not to stare as he felt his own muscles.

  As Matt started talking about the tournament he’s been at since Thursday, my eyes drifted to the tan lines on his neck and arms from his baseball jersey. “It was Regionals,” I heard him say. “And we won all our games, so we qualified for the state tournament.”

  Snap to it, April.

  My mind flooded with relief as I made myself focus on what Matt was saying about what the Faraway High baseball team has to do to become state champions. I know how hard the dance team has been preparing for Regionals and States. Matt is so committed to baseball. It totally explained why I haven’t heard from him all week.

  It made so much sense, it filled me with confidence. “So my birthday is next Sunday,” I said bravely. I paused for a beat. I didn’t want to seem too eager. “No big deal, but I was wondering if you want to do something.”

  Matt ran his hand over his mouth like he didn’t like what was about to come out of it.

  “April, I’m sorry but the state tournament is next weekend.” He sounded genuinely disappointed. Then he flashed me his pearly white Matt Parker smile. “But hey, I’ll be back Sunday night. Maybe we can do something then.”

  “Sure,” I said in what I hoped sounded like I’d be fine either way. But as I walked home I couldn’t help saying a little prayer.

  Dear God, please let Matt’s maybe turn into a definitely.

  Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my!

  —Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz

  Sunday, April 20, 7:45 p.m.

  My fourteenth birthday

  So far, being fourteen has been fine. It would be better if I was spending it with Matt. He said he would call when he was back from the tournament, but I haven’t heard fr
om him. When I got home from the diner, I walked past his house and it looked pretty lifeless. Maybe he’s not home yet. I hope that’s why he hasn’t called.

  Whatever.

  I actually had a really nice day with my family. Dad closed the diner early for a late lunch celebration. Everyone in my family was there—Mom, Dad, May, June, Gaga, Willy, and all my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Even Dad’s brother Marty drove in from Mobile with his son, Sam. Billy and Brynn were there too.

  Dad made gumbo, fried shrimp, and french fries, and a huge chocolate birthday cake. It was a big improvement over last year’s birthday pie idea.

  Everyone brought me gifts, which was really sweet. Mom and Dad gave me a new phone, which I’ve been wanting, and I love it. Gaga knitted a sweater for me. Right when I took it out of the gift bag, I knew I loved it. “It’s gorgeous!” I said to Gaga.

  “It will bring out the green in your eyes,” said Gaga.

  “My eyes are hazel,” I reminded her.

  Gaga smiled. “That means brown with green flecks. When you put the sweater on, your flecks will stand out.” I put it on and went to look in the mirror in the ladies’ room, and saw that Gaga was right. My flecks have never looked better.

  My cousins gave me some earrings and a necklace, which I put on immediately. “These look perfect with my sweater” I said.

  Gaga winked at me. I know she must have arranged that.

  My Uncle Marty gave me fifty dollars. I was shocked when he gave it to me. I think you could see it on my face, too.

  “Daddy forgot to get you a present, so he gave you what was in his wallet,” said Sam, who’s five. Marty laughed and tried to shush Sam, looking embarrassed. But I didn’t care. I was thrilled to get it.

  I liked what Billy and Brynn gave me too.

  Billy gave me a Saints T-shirt his parents brought back from New Orleans. “It’s a re-gift,” said Billy. “But it’s never been worn, and I knew you’d like it. You can take it to camp.” I grinned and gave him a hug. It was sweet of him to give it to me.

  Brynn gave me a deluxe Bobbi Brown makeup set. It has everything you could ever want in it—shadows, blush, lip gloss, mascara, and a set of brushes. “I hope you like it,” she said.

  “Wow!” I was shocked. I couldn’t believe she had given me such a nice gift. “I love it!” I told her. And I really appreciated that she had tried to plan a sleepover party for me. Brynn gave me a big hug. I’m taking it as a good sign that our friendship is returning to normal, which feels great. But what I didn’t feel great about was how, after I opened my presents, everyone kept asking me questions about Matt and why he wasn’t there.

  “Where’s your boyfriend?” asked Uncle Drew.

  “Matt, right?” asked Uncle Dusty.

  “We sure would love to meet him,” said Aunt Lila.

  “April’s got a boyfriend?” asked Sam.

  “April’s got a boyfriend!” chanted Izzy and Charlotte together. I guess June thought it was funny because she started chanting with them, and then Sam got in on the action too.

  “Is he still your boyfriend?” Amanda wanted to know.

  “He probably dumped her and that’s why he’s not here,” said Harry.

  “He hasn’t dumped me.” I didn’t like having to explain that he was at a baseball tournament and that I was going to see him later. Aunt Lilly actually asked me how much later and pointed out that it was already late afternoon. When she did that, the adults started shaking their heads and rolling their eyes, like they didn’t think that me seeing Matt later was a good idea.

  I didn’t feel like telling them that it wasn’t mine.

  8:45 p.m.

  Text from Matt

  Matt: Happy birthday!

  Me: :-)

  Matt: On way back

  Matt: Game went into extra innings

  Matt: 2nd place by one run.

  Me: Bummer!

  Matt: Total.

  Matt: Not sure about tonight.

  Me: (Speechless.)

  I didn’t write what I was thinking, which was that getting that text from him was way more of a bummer for me than his baseball loss.

  10:32 p.m.

  My celebration continues

  Sort of

  Matt just left. As the rest of my family slept, we celebrated my fourteenth birthday on my front porch. To be honest, I can’t decide if what just happened should be classified as celebratory. The first part was. I went to my window as soon as I heard the knock. I hadn’t heard from Matt since his text. Part of me didn’t think he was coming, but I still hoped he would. Matt took my hand and helped me out as soon as I opened the window.

  “How’s the birthday girl?” Matt said. But as he kissed me, he didn’t smile like he usually does. His eyes looked tired or tense. Maybe both. “I like your shirt,” he added before I could say anything.

  I looked down at the Saints logo on the T-shirt Billy had given me earlier. “Thanks.”

  “I’m sorry about your game,” I said.

  Matt nodded like he appreciated it, but he looked away when I said it. I could tell he didn’t want to talk about it.

  “I’ve got something for you,” he said as we both sat down. Matt reached behind him and produced a small box. When he placed it into my hands, I liked it already. “Open it,” he said.

  Slowly I lifted the lid off the box. There was a silver necklace inside with a little moon charm on it. “It reminds me of all the nights we’ve sat on your porch and looked at the moon.”

  I wouldn’t have put it exactly like that. I don’t really think we’ve spent much time looking at the moon. But I loved that he gave it to me.

  “Do you like it?” Matt asked. Without waiting for my response, he lifted the necklace out of the box, unhooked the clasp, and fastened it around my neck.

  I reached up and felt the cool silver of the charm at the base of my throat. It was hands down my favorite gift I’d gotten all day. “I love it,” I said softly.

  “I’m glad,” said Matt. Then we started kissing. Our tongues wound around each other, like that day in the park. I don’t know if it was excitement over the gift or feeling older today, but something in me was feeling braver than usual. I think Matt could feel the difference too. I let him pull me closer. His fingers pressed into my waist. We were kissing even more intensely as his hands moved from my waist, up my back, to just below my shoulder blades. Everything felt so good and so right, being wrapped up in each other. It was just how I’d pictured celebrating my birthday.

  Then I felt Matt’s hands starting to separate. Slowly they made their way towards my ribcage. I could feel the tips of Matt’s thumbs and fingers moving to the front of my shirt. I knew within nanoseconds they would be touching the Saints logo that covered my boobs. Matt’s fingers pressed upwards into me. I tried to take a deep breath through my nose as we kissed. The last time Matt’s fingers had ventured towards my chest, I thought maybe it was an accident. This didn’t seem like one.

  I pulled away. “Not yet, OK?” My voice didn’t sound like my own.

  Matt paused like he wasn’t sure what to do next. “Yeah, sure. No worries,” he said.

  I smiled and went to kiss him again, but then he stood. “I better go,” he said. “It’s late.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. One minute, everything was great, and the next, completely awkward. “OK. Um, thanks for the necklace.”

  “Yeah, no problem.” Matt did his head bob. “Happy birthday,” he added. Then he left. After he was gone, I sat by myself on my front porch, looking up at the moon.

  I had on the necklace Matt gave me and the T-shirt Billy gave me, and somehow, I’d never felt more alone.

  I guess it’s just my woman’s intuition. Every woman has one, you know.

  —Nancy Drew

  Monday, April 21, 6:55 p.m.

  Home from dance

  I’m freaking out about what happened last night with Matt.

  I thought Matt was trying to touch my boobs, but maybe he w
asn’t. What if that wasn’t what he was trying to do, but when I stopped him, he realized that’s what I thought he was doing, and that’s why he left? Was he mad? Is he mad? What is he thinking?

  Maybe I handled the whole thing completely wrong. Should I have just waited to see what Matt was going to do? What if he did try to touch my boobs? I know I don’t want him to do that. But I didn’t let him do it, and now it’s all I can think about! I couldn’t even focus in dance today. Thank God, Ms. Baumann didn’t seem to notice. But Emily did.

  “What’s going on?” she asked at break.

  I made up some lame excuse about having a big test tomorrow, and I think she bought it, which was good because there was NO WAY I was telling her (or anyone else for that matter) what’s really on my mind.

  8:59 p.m.

  I’m so dumb.

  I don’t need to tell anybody what’s on my mind. I need to talk to Matt. I need to just take a page out of the Sophie book and call him and tell him. That’s what I’m going to do. He needs to know how I feel about things.

  Dear God, please let this be a good idea.

  9:35 p.m.

  It wasn’t a good idea. It was a great idea!

  I just had the most amazing talk with Matt. I think we just took our relationship to a whole new level. I know that makes me sound like I’ve been watching too much Dr. Phil, but I’m so happy!

  When I called him, I said, “I feel a little weird about what happened last night.”

  “Don’t worry.” His tone was softer than usual.

  “I was really embarrassed,” I said.

  Matt laughed a little. “Me too,” he admitted. He sounded relieved.

  I hadn’t even thought about what he was feeling. Then he said, “I guess I thought since it was your birthday and you’re older, you might want to try something new.”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond, but I didn’t have to because Matt kept talking. “It’s kind of like when you turn sixteen and you get to start driving a car.” He paused. “But it’s not just that.”

  “What is it?” I asked. I didn’t want to push too hard, but I had to know what he was thinking.